It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been trying for the past four hours but there are so many thoughts clogging up my brain that I can't rest. I lay (or is it lie) in bed and think about how I just want to get them out and purge my thoughts onto my blog. I think about how relieved I will feel coughing it all up but I've become afraid of this place.
I want to be honest and speak my mind but find myself thinking of the audience and how it will be received. I'm afraid of how this person or that will react, how feelings might be hurt and tempers might be flared. So, I've been keeping it to myself and that has been miserable. It hurts my stomach.
So, I'm going to keep reminding myself that this is my blog and let it all out. I apologize in advance if you don't like what you read.
My marriage sometimes sucks, but I think that's pretty normal. Sometimes Matt and I can barely stand to be in the same room as each other. Our eons of therapy has taught me that when people get stressed they take it out on their spouses because they are safe. If your boss pisses you off there's not much you can do, so you snap at your mate and somehow that makes you feel better. It's not the proper way to handle things but it helps me know not to take things personally. Matt is going thru a very trying time with his legal battle and it has put us both on edge. He can be a first class jerk from time to time which makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here but I love my husband and know that neither of us are perfect. Must remember that it's only temporary and things will get better.....
Two of my girlfriends had a trying weekend. One was in the hospital and the other was ending her marriage. I worried for both of them and it pained me that there was nothing I could do to help. Part of me felt like saying....been there, done that....here's how you solve it, but I know that's just arrogance speaking. Those wonderful, strong, smart women will survive on their own. Must remember that it's not always about me!!
My family is pissing me off at the moment (and this is where it gets tricky). One thing that being a mother has taught me is that you cannot (or should not) reward bad behavior. I have learned it but struggle to always practice it. Sometimes Cha will whine about something for an hour until I finally get fed up and give in. I realize that it's bad parenting and will only encourage her to whine longer the next time but I give in anyway. She is my precious baby and it's hard to look at her and not give in to her every demand. Not to mention I have a tiny tolerance for whining. Must learn to be stronger!!
If a child, whether they are 3 and a half or 43 and a half, whines and throws a temper tantrum, rewarding them for their bad behavior will only bite you in the end. I am trying my hardest to keep my life as tame and drama-free as possible. It's difficult and sometimes I suck at it, but I keep trying. I want to see my family and have Cha spend time with her aunts, uncles and cousins. I really want her to have fun memories of my side of the family. I've got half a brain full of crazy times with the Jenkins crew. It's not as easy as it used to be tho and I've got to think about what's best for her, me and them. She might never get to know some of her family but I'm just going to have to learn to be okay with that. My job is to keep my child happy, safe and well taken care of. I do not want her exposed to unnecessary drama, especially if it's going to leave a lasting impression. I lived with the good, bad and ugly and choose to shield Cha from the bad and ugly. Must not feel guilty about that!!
Tonight I dropped Ria off at the vet. She's finally getting spayed tomorrow. I feel guilty about not having it done sooner. She goes into heat on a regular basis and the whole house feels her pain. I know a good cat mom would have made that a priority but I've had trouble balancing my priorities lately and sadly the kitties came in last. Checking this off my list will surely help clear my clogged up brain.
I've taken over two other working moms groups and it's turned out to be more difficult than I imagined. Juggling schedules, personalities, problems, concerns, and even pleasantries has my head doing somersaults. I feel like I'm failing at it and wish I could go back to the day when things were simpler.
(Note: I had to google three words in that paragraph because I wasn't sure how they were spelled. Grandma would be proud to know that I got them all right! Altho, maybe she'd be disappointed that a 41 year old wasn't sure how to spell pleasantries.)
Friday morning I have my last ever appt with Dr. S. He's doing the tattoos. I am a bit nervous about seeing him because I'm afraid he'll be disappointed in my body. I had really hoped to have lost a lot of weight and be in great shape by this point of my recovery. I feel like I'm failing him by not perfecting his artwork. I am still so depressed and altho I have been walking on the treadmill in the basement, I am really not doing as much as I know I can. I wish I felt better and could muster up the ambition to get off my ass!
Meanwhile, my body has been taken over by hives or something. My whole body is blotchy and itches like crazy. I scratch all day long. I've tried cream and allergy meds but it doesn't seem to help much. I made the mistake of taking benedryl twice during work hours. That was a bust. It just knocked me out and made me feel like a zombie for the next two days. I've got to schedule a followup appt with Dr. M to discuss my blood work so I'll talk to her about it then.
Alright, I've babbled long enough. It feels good to have gotten it all out. I'm thinking I might just turn off this machine and snuggle up to Pete and Tigger on the couch. They look so comfortable laying next to me.
I've got to get up in a few hours and take Cha to school. It's supposed to be zero, yippee!!
I'm glad you got all that out. HUGS
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