Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Feeling Down

This has been a bad week and I'm feeling down. I'm not sure why exactly, but I'm just feeling it. I wish there was some way to snap out it but nothing seems to be working.

Matt and I are still seeing the shrink once a week and I decided I wanted to see him alone last Saturday. There were a few things I needed to figure out and I'm not quite sure the session solved anything. It helped in that I got everything off my chest (I just re-read this sentence and realized that this phrase will never be the same again), but I'm just not sure what to do with it now that it's out there. I really need to see him again this week, but we'll be out of town. I don't want to go two weeks between sessions. It's not good for me, but I have no choice.

I go back to work on Monday. I can't believe it's only been ten weeks. It seems like much longer. I'm nervous about returning to the office. I'm nervous about getting on with life. My body still aches on occasion but I'd consider myself physically healed. I'm just not sure I'm emotionally ready.

Two weeks ago I started exercising and think I pushed myself too hard. My incisions are red and swollen but when Dr. S looked at them last week he said they were fine. I need to continue exercising but take it a little easier. I think all along I've been pushing myself emotionally. This whole thing has been harder on my mind than it's been on my body. I've been pushing myself to get over it and put the cancer and the surgery out of my mind. And even though these ten weeks have seemed like an eternity, I feel like I still need time.

I need time for me. Not for getting over cancer, or recovering from surgery, or taking care of a toddler, a husband and an entire household, and dealing with friends and family drama. I need time for me. One of the big issues in therapy is that Matt seems to think that I've been on some sort of vacation during this time. I wish that were the case.

I need a week alone on a deserted island to read books, soak up the sun and not think about anything that has to do with anything. Alone. Did I mention alone?

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