Monday, March 31, 2008

It takes a while

I thought I was doing good but it turns out I'm still a bit of a mess. This healing thing is taking longer than I thought. The emotional part hits me when I least expect it.

It's all the little things that add up. For instance, the unnecessary breast exam last week seemed silly but now it bothers me. It's only been two months since the surgery, don't you think doctors should be a little more sensitive? Give me a bit of courtesy.

This morning I had the ultrasound and it was upsetting. When I signed in the woman at the diagnostic center asked me if I have had my first mammogram yet. I said yes. It made me wonder how many times in my life I'd have to be reminded of it.

The ultrasound tech was the last straw. She asked why I was there and I told her the details. I just needed her to do an internal ultrasound but she insisted on trying to get the image thru my abdomen. I knew it wasn't going to happen because there is too much scar tissue and that whole golf ball thing to deal with.

When she looked at my scar she commented that it looked bad. (I am so reluctant to call it a scar since it hasn't really healed yet. It's still an incision that's healing, but it's easier to just say 'scar'.) I told her that it's actually much better than it has been and I am pleased with how it looks. She got frustrated trying to find an image and kept remarking that the scar was concerning. She left the room for a while and when she came back she said she was going to just try it internally (like I first suggested).

As I was laying there she said she'd never seen a scar so bad and pointed out that she had seem plenty of them. She asked when I last saw my doctor and I told him it was only three days ago and that he was pleased with the healing. She suggested that I get a second opinion. Um, excuse me lady but you are no doctor. You are merely a tech and you have no idea what you're dealing with. Actually, I don't believe you are technically allowed to make any comments about anything so please shut your mouth. How dare she put me in the position to be defensive or worse, paranoid about the care I have been receiving.

She left the room again and I sat there with the screen in front of me. I read the different images and noticed several spots that she had marked and measured. Now, I've seen many ultrasound pictures in the last five years and I got a bit spooked at what I saw. Maybe it was just the paranoia that the tech was pushing on me, and maybe they were just innocent spots of nothing but after what I've experienced the past four months I'm not placing any bets. Ignorance is bliss but it's also dangerous.

I know the tech couldn't tell me anything about what she saw but I made sure to call my doctor's office as soon as I got to the car. I left a message that I just had the ultrasound and was anxious for the results and asked her to call me on my cell as soon as she looks at them.

On a much needed positive note, the blood work from last Friday came back all clear. Not even a slightly elevated sugar level. I needed to hear that.

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