In just a few weeks I will be undergoing my 4th surgery in 8 months. The first surgery was absolutely necessary as it removed the cancer from my body. The second surgery was also pretty important since it removed dying tissue and cleaned up very painful infected tissue. The third surgery...well, it cleaned up some scars and lumps and gave my breasts a better shape.
This next surgery is purely cosmetic. Dr. S will be fine tuning my breast shape, taking care of some 'problem areas' and cleaning up my abdominal scar. It's going to be painful and I'll need to take time off work and rely on friends and family for a little help. And that won't even be the end of it. I'll have to go back in a couple months for yet another surgery where Dr. S uses skin from my groin to create nipples. At the end of it all (December maybe?) I'll be going in to have those nipples tattooed.
I can't help but think that from here on out it's all vanity and selfishness. I am cancer free and my body looks normal in clothes. I don't have to worry about prosthetics or special undergarments. I am pretty much good to go.
I've still got fears that I'll die on the table. Matt and I had this discussion last week when the next surgery was finalized. He tried to tell me that I'll be fine because there have been no problems in the past. My thoughts are that I have beat the odds already so why push my luck? What if my heart can only withstand 5 operations in it's lifetime? Why waste one on pretty boobs??
I know I will continue and see this journey to the very end. I trust Dr. S and as I said in the past he's not going to let me quit. Sometimes I look at my reconstruction as his project. I'm fine with whatever but as a thanks to his genius I am giving him the best 'after pictures' I can. Or maybe that's what I need to tell myself to justify my selfishness.
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