Square One

I feel like I'm back to square one mentally. I'm an emotional mess. I had my appt with the new therapist yesterday and it was good but it kicked off a 24 hour tear fest.

The therapist, Fran, said I seemed to be experiencing more anxiety than depression, tho I am indeed depressed. The anxiety exaggerates every single one of my flaws and I am obsessing over them. Obsessing over your faults leads to major self confidence problems and paralyzing fear. That's where I am.

Fran recommended upping my Lexapro and perhaps asking for separate anxiety meds. I had to meet with Dr. M my primary physician to discuss several other health issues and she wrote me a script for 20 mg of Lexapro. She also gave me some Ambian to help me sleep but I've gotta tell you it doesn't seem to be doing anything. I took it tonight at 8:00 and here it is 10:50 and I'm still wide awake. I really need to turn off my brain, but I just gotta figure out how.

Yesterday Cha had a doctor appt. She hasn't been 100% lately and I wanted her doctor to take a look. She bounced back and is doing better today. She's looking forward to going Trick or Treating tomorrow night so I think she forced herself to get better. Let's hope she doesn't make herself sicker with candy.

Today I am thankful for the medical professionals who are helping me get better. I am thankful for the increased dose of Lexapro and pray that it does it's job. I am thankful that with all the crap going on over the last 11 months, we have been able to shield Cha from most of it.

Dr. M suggested that I try not to really cry in front of Cha. She said my only real job was to keep it together around her. She said to fall apart in front of anyone else, but be strong for Charlotte.

Dr. M asked how much Cha knows about the cancer and I said that we've been very open with her. She's seen the scars and knows that my boobies were sick. I'm trying to make it casual for her so she doesn't freak out and I think we're all handling it very well.

Fran the therapist asked what the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I told her becoming a mother. She asked about the worst thing and altho I could have said the cancer I think this depression is much more difficult. It's every day and there's no surgical cure.

It really sucks but I'm trying to hopeful that things will get better.