I haven't been posting much because I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts together. I still check my favorite blogs every day and I love keeping up with others. I'm having a hard time concentrating and turning my brain off, tho for the life of me I can't remember what I'm thinking one minute to the next.
I've made an appt with a new therapist. Dr. M2 was good and did help but I feel I need something other than what he can provide. I'm battling depression and every day is a struggle. Getting up in the morning, getting Charlotte to school, getting to work, cleaning the house and feeding my family may be simple for some people but it takes every ounce of energy I have and it's making me physically ill.
One of my dearest friends and I confessed to each other recently that we're having problems with money. But, it's not the normal money problem that most people encounter. It's the 'I'm way too depressed and anxiety ridden to pay my bills'. My friend had a bill nearly go to collection because she couldn't bring herself to send out a check. There was more than enough money in the bank but the task of writing a check and putting it in the mail was more than she could handle.
That's where I am right now. The money is in the bank, I sit down at my desk to do the bills and I just freeze. All sorts of fears take over. The economy is in the crapper and we have to hear about it every day. Things only appear to be getting scarier and trying to face financial responsibilities with the fear of losing everything is overwhelming me.
So, I decided to see someone new in hopes that she'll be able to help me with what's going on in my mind. I cannot blame anyone else for where I am but I know it's not something I'm doing on purpose.
Today I am thankful that I am sane enough to reach out for help. I am also thankful for those who stand by me and understand what I'm experiencing. A couple of nights ago when Matt and I were sitting on the couch crying he said 'I don't know how you need me to support you.' It's hard for men who always want to fix things. This is something he can't fix, which is double hard for him since he spent so many years counseling people. I'm not sure what to tell Matt but I'm sure the new therapist will help me.
Hugs Joni.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling. Which one? Most of them. Been there, done that, made it through the hell (and still look back, most days). Which is not to minimize your anxieties and fears and feelings, but to let you know that making it through is possible.
ReplyDeleteDepression.....sucks. Working through it......sucks. Coming out on the other side......indescribable. Looking back into the abyss.....very scary.
Don't be afraid to tune out the current financial crisis crap and the election crap and any other crap that scares you. I do it when I need to and it helps me a lot. I do it every year on my birthday (and you know why); I turn off the radio, turn on the CDs and just curl up into a little ball for the couple of days before and the day of. It helps.
On the bright side, it's Friday! You have people that love you, friends that care for you, a daughter who thinks you're the world, and cats to warm your feet. Take it one hour at a time and you'll make it through. I promise you.
And before dealing with my own crap I dealt with my partner's, so I kind of know what Matt's going through, too. If he's not already seeing someone he should. He needs to take care of himself so he can support you and Cha. And who knows, maybe he'll go through his own crap someday....
ReplyDeleteHugs, Joni. You know I know what you're feeling. I hope the new therapist helps. You're really doing great even though you don't know it. I sure think so.
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