I read many blogs, some daily and some when I remember. There are two that I read every night - Tabsmom and Cari. Both have made me feel weak, strong, grateful, selfish and whiny. I started reading their blogs a year ago when I started my breast cancer journey. I have continued to read them because they are both compelling and strong women. I am guessing that in real life I don't have too much in common with either, other than being mothers and having breast cancer, but I have deep respect for them.
Anyway, Tabsmom recently posted something that really got me thinking.
b. Those who have not suffered cancer need to be protected from its painful realities. That sounds harsh and likely patronizing, but it is true. Do my friends and family really need to know the explicit details of my pain, sadness, anxieties? No. To what end would that information benefit them or me?
(The full text is here.)
Now I read this days after my lastest post on depression. It's kept me from further posting about what's going on in my head. Yesterday I had a therapy session and spoke about the pros and cons. The cons of putting my thoughts and feelings out there are plenty. Friends, family, co-workers, strangers know my deepest thoughts and can very well throw them back at me one day. I've hurt the feelings of people I love by speaking my mind (as twisted as my mind may be) tho I never intended to be hurtful.
The pros have also been plenty. Blogging is very liberating and cathartic. My goal has always been to put my truth out there and share what is going on with this disease and how my life is changing. On the days when I struggled with posting, knowing that friends would be reading it, I concentrated on an audience of newly diagnosed cancer patients. Strangers I didn't know who were just lurking, just as I did when I first stumbled on Tabsmom and Cari's blogs.
Do my parents and in-laws need to know how terribly sad I am on any given day? Not particularly, especially since it must be painful to know there's nothing they can do to help. Does it serve any purpose for my co-workers or friends to keep updated? Again, no. But a small voice reminds me that it's healthy to put it out there, even tho it makes me feel very vulnerable.
Anyway, my depression and anxiety have been all over the place lately. I achieved the near-impossible today and actually made it to my desk at work. It took several internal pep-talks from the car to the front door and a whole lot of advice from my therapist, but I did it.
I apologize if that hurts. Others have triumphed over much worse and have larger struggles than I do but I'm just working with what I got.
Write baby write! We can choose to read or not read. They're your thoughts and feelings and you have every right to them. Anyone who gets hurt or offended would probably need to look at him/herself and maybe stop reading.
ReplyDeleteAs for sharing the details of cancer, I find it odd. Everyone I have known with cancer (and plenty have died) become different people with it. They may cry about every little thing before, every sniffle, every headache, every flu but then they get cancer and say oh, I'm hanging in there. Nobody I have even known who has gone through chemo has shared with me exactly what it is like. When my friend Joella was battling, I knew she had it bad, really bad, and the worst she would say was "it was a bit rough today" or "I'm not feeling so good today." Something about it... I don't know, I haven't been there yet.
I hope that will be me if/when my day comes (yes, I still believe everyone gets it and it's "when" not "if.") that will be me. I'm a crybaby when I'm sick and when I actually get something rough like the flu, I think I feel so bad I could actually die. Lord help me if/when my day comes. I hope I'm not a big baby!
What a great post Joni!
ReplyDeleteI feel that blogging has been very liberating also, but I've also been burned by saying too much when I didn't realize certain people may have been reading.
Filters can be a good thing. There's a huge difference between airing your dirty laundry online and expressing your thoughts and feelings about Cancer or other issue in your life. The latter is much more of a respectable read. I'd much rather know how YOU are doing. Although I have been a terrible reader as of late, I look forward to seeing your entries!
HUGS
I'm down with what Lisa said in her first paragraph above.
ReplyDeleteI've told you before, but I'll say it again for the record: I think you're an incredibly brave and strong woman. You WILL beat this beast down. Anything I can do to help you during the day, you have but to ask.
Good for you, Joni. Keep blogging for whatever reason you need.
ReplyDelete