Tuesday, January 1, 2008

My biggest fear (warning....big downer post)

Yes, I'm afraid of needing chemo or radiation. I'm also afraid of ending up with ugly scars, lifelong pain, ending up with enormous medical bills, and not having a job to go back to when it's all over.

My biggest fear, the one that makes me shake in panic and cannot easily be brushed off, is the fear of dying on the operating table. I fear that something, not necessarily the surgeon's doing, will go wrong and I just won't wake up. Friends remind me that we can die at anytime, in a car accident or slip in the tub. But getting in your car every morning doesn't require a heart to heart with your spouse about your 'wishes'.

Matt asked where I wanted to be buried and that's tough. What happens if I'm buried here and Matt moves on and suddenly Cha has a new mommy? I don't want to end up in a cemetery with a broken headstone or overgrown weeds. (More importantly, I don't want my beautiful daughter to need a new mommy!)

I don't want Cha to lose contact with my side of the family. She has wonderful grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins who love her. I want her to grow up knowing them and their crazy senses of humor. She has to learn to play cribbage and euchre. She needs to experience a cross country road trip and the joy of finding the largest ball of twine. And a flat tire on the way to Bummerfest, what would life be like without that character building journey?

(Oh, if you hadn't noticed I called my doctor and asked to up my dosage of Lexapro. I'm having a really hard time with things right now and need help snapping out of it.)

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