Sunday, January 20, 2008

the day before ramblings

So much to say but I have no idea how to organize my thoughts this morning.

I feel like I've spent the last three weeks working on a very long to-do list. There are a million things that I feel like I have to get done before tomorrow and I can't turn my brain off. It's been appointments of one kind or another every single day and I'm exhausted. My mom and Regina got to town Thursday night and Saturday morning I found myself scrubbing the washer and dryer in the basement. Why, exactly? I have no clue, but I felt like it had to be done.

I saw my shrink yesterday and we talked about it. I've got to feel in control of not only the cancer but everything and it's taking it's toll on me. One thing I've been reluctant to share is that I blacked out last week. I was picking up Cha from daycare and she wanted me to hold her as we walked out the door. I bent down to get her (and her lunchbox, and school bag, two teddy bears, her coat, and her blanket) and when I stood up something happened and I fell. I have no clue if I tripped of what, all I remember was sitting on the floor with Cha in my lap and her teachers standing over me. I had bonked my head on a door knob and as I was going down I guess Cha hit her nose on it too. Her nose was bleeding and she was screaming. I mark that all down to being overly stressed and panicky. The Xanax makes me super tired and I haven't been taking it like I should. (Remember, I have too much to do to waste all day sleeping!)

Anyway, I asked Dr. M2 how to turn off my brain. How do I sit down for an hour and not only do nothing but feel like it's okay to do nothing? I've been doing my daily relaxations but that's only because I add them to the to-do list and schedule it in. How do I live a life that's not so scheduled? That's something for a post-cancer therapy appointment I think.

Dr. M2 instructed me to do absolutely nothing today. Well, actually he told me to pull out my list and schedule 6 hours of doing nothing. If it's on the list, it will get done. However, that's just not happening.

How do I do nothing when there is a husband who worked 70 hours this week and just wants to sleep-in this morning? And when there's a 2 year old who doesn't want Grandma or Regina or even Daddy? She's screaming for me and it's interrupting my 'nothing' time. Darling Husband is getting mad at me for laying around the house for the past three weeks and not taking Cha off his hands this morning. How does he not understand that this had not been a vacation for me? He may be in denial about what is going on but he's got to give me a break.

I went out to dinner and drinks with the working moms last night and I was able to relax and have fun but the surgery was right there not even trying to hide in the back of my mind. I ran into an old friend while we were out. I hadn't seen him in probably a year and I gave him a big hug. He told me he heard about the cancer and his compassion really touched me. I am so fortunate to have so many people who love me and are praying for me. I started to cry at the bar (and no, it wasn't alcohol) and snuck out the door. I told one of my girlfriends that I was leaving but I couldn't bear to hug and say goodbye to my friends. I was already on the edge and hugs from 14 beautiful, wonderful women would have turned me into a sobby mess.

Right now I've locked myself in my bedroom for a break. I'm in my PJs and four kitties are snuggled up beside me in bed. The downstairs is filled with crying babies and a frazzled family. It's hard not to think that if I went downstairs the crying would stop, but then so would my 'nothing' time.

Note: Before a dozen people start sending me emails complaining about Matt and how he needs a smack in the head, please don't. We're both totally stressed out and while I can always trump him with the cancer card, he's holding a pretty crappy hand himself.

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