Update

I'm still battling with anxiety. The surgery is still set for Jan 21st and every morning I get up and think 'I've only got x number of days left on this earth' (hence the anxiety issues). I know it's irrational but I can't turn off the fears.

My family doctor upped my Lexapro to 10 mg but I haven't felt any change yet. I went to see my shrink yesterday and he suggested that I stop working now and mellow out because going into surgery with an anxious mind and body will only work against me. What I didn't know until yesterday was that Dr. M2 is a cancer survivor. He's suffered thru 2 bouts of chemo 14 years apart so I felt comfortable with the advice he was giving me.

I met with the breast surgeon this morning and he wrote me a note keeping me out of work, so as of now I am on disability until mid-March. He also gave me a script for Xanax and told me not to be afraid to take it. He said he's glad that I'm on the Lexapro because that will help after the surgery when most people get depressed after being anxious for so long.

I called my boss and told him I wasn't coming back and that was the hardest part. I've been feeling like such a failure at work and I know that's been contributing to the anxiety. He was great about it and told me to do whatever I had to. I just hope my co-workers feel the same way when they see all the things that aren't getting, or didn't get, done.

I have also been having issues with feeling like Matt is not being as supportive as I need him to be. He prefers to tell me that everything will be fine and that I need to concentrate on the positive. He does not like seeing me cry. That's partially what prompted my visit to the shrink yesterday. The shrink mentioned that he's most likely keeping himself in denial because he has to hold it together for me and Cha. Regardless if that's the truth or not, I'm going to buy it. My shrink actually said denial isn't necessarily a bad thing in cases this like. He said studies show that cancer patients in denial actually fare better than people who are very emotional. That's why I've been instructed to mellow out STAT.

When I got home from the appt I took a long walk to the library. I was hoping to find a couple books on stress relief. Unfortunately my local library leaves much to be desired. I drove to the library the next town over and found everything I needed, plus a stress relieving yoga DVD. I also stopped by Walmart and picked up a cheapie CD player so I can listen to music when I walk. (Thanks for the great CD Auntie Ca!)

My job the next week and a half is to relax and clear my head.