Tuesday, December 18, 2007

She's screaming for me

Matt has been trying to put Cha to bed for nearly a half hour. She's upstairs in her room screaming for me. I kissed her goodnight, but I know she wants me to lay down with her. Matt and I switch back and forth putting her to bed and I'm sorry to say he's been doing it more often than I have recently. I'm just kinda depressed after today's appt so Matt is taking over tonight.

Altho I know what it means if the genetic test comes back positive, it's taken a while to process my feelings. The nurse told me that along with the double mastectomy, the doctors would most likely recommend removal of my ovaries and fallopian tubes (well, my one remaining tube). That means no more babies. Cha will be my one and only. I love her dearly and she is truly my miracle baby, but I wanted one more. I figured it wouldn't happen with the treatment and all, and the fact that I am already 40. But I had hope.

The Lexapro is kicking in. I'm just feeling blah as opposed to bawling my eyes out and kicking the cats. I'm still crying but it's not like it was before. I know that if I weren't taking something I'd be an angry mess. Tonight Matt spilled the litter box down the stairs. He was on his way outside to clean it, so it was nice and stinky. Three weeks ago I would have barked at him. Tonight I shrugged it off. He did mention that he could tell the pills were working. Lucky him.

It's been 22 minutes and the screaming has stopped. If I wasn't afraid of waking her and getting stuck on the floor for the rest of the night, I'd sneak into her room and snuggle her. I am so lucky to be her mom.

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